It's Not Letting Go When I'm Holding On
by countrybutterfly
Summary: PostRent. Good News. Bad News. And all Mark is doing is holding on...
1. Prologue

Don't own RENT.

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Mark didn't know why he didn't know why he did it, but every day he put whatever loose change he could find into a jar. On a good day he could manage a couple dollars, while on bad days it coulbe as little as a few pennies. Nonetheless he had odne it since high school and as long as he could afford Roger's AZT h never touched it. And now since Mimi and Roger could both afford their own AZT he could add more a day in his little stash. Now he just needed to find a way to spend it.

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Roger didn't notice the small flicker of excitement that went across Mark's face when he told Mark that Mimi was pregnant. But he did notice the anger on Mark's face when they told him they were going to try and put the baby up for adoption. And he noticed Mark's diappointment when they told him Mimi was having twins. Roger din't notice the amount of phone calls Mark began making or the longer hours he spent away from the loft. He didn't see anything odd in it, nothing to notice. However, he and Mimi were all to aware that two weeks before the babies were due, they came home from talking the adoption agency, and Mark was nowhere in sight of the loft...and neither was his stuff.

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So, here's the prologue...I hope you enjoyed the next chapter will be up tomorrow...hopefully as I go along with this story...my other stories will grab some inspirations.

Any questions just ask.

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_**Until next time, this is me...signing out.**_


	2. 1 Center of the Universe

Chapter 1: Center of the Universe  
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_**Two Months after Mark Left**_  
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Mark sat at the desk trying to figure out which shots to use for the publicity reel for the company. He leaned back to take a small break, and once again messed with the tie around his neck.

"Hey, Mark, how's it going?"

Mark looked up to see Benny in his doorway.

"I've sold my soul, I'm fighting the need to sleep and I really haven't eaten all morning...I say thing are going pretty good."

Benny made a soft chuckle before looking back, "Just remember what this is letting you do."

"I know, I know."

"You're doing the right thing, Mark." He said as he left to go back to his own office down the hall.

"And it's only an hour until I'm home sweet home until Monday." Mark mumble going back to the different shots.

He finished the reel, grabbed it and the rest of his stuff.

"Headed out for the weekend, Mark?" Ian asked as he received the reel.

"I'm trying."

"Have a good one."

"You too."

"See you on Sunday?"

"Yep, as long you don't mind me bringing..."

"No. Just come."

"Alright."

Mark headed out the building ripping his tie off along the way and started his way home. He made it a few blocks before he realized he had gone the wrong direction--again. He turned around, and beginning running the rest of the way home. Home, was a small apartment he had bought about three months ago...with the money from the job Benny had pulled a few strings to get him. It wasn't much...but it was home, again.

"I'm home. How were they?"

Old Mrs. Morgan struggled to push herself off the couch, "Cohen, they're two months old...they don't do much."

"Sorry, I asked." He mumbled under his breath.

"What was that?"

"I said I'll get your check."

"It about time."

He gave the woman her check and saw her to the door with a thank you and good-bye. Shutting the door, Mark stripped out of the suit on his way to his bedroom. Managing to pull on a pair of pants and an old shirt of Roger's he had accidentally nicked when he had left before a small wail erupted through the apartment Mark dragged himself across the hall.

"Shh...Shh. Before both you wake your brother up. Daddy's here."

He picked up the green clad baby boy, "Come here Shea, buddy. What do you want?"

Shea began calming down as his brother began to squirm from the other half of the crib. Mark rolled his eyes, "You are Roger's sons. There's absolutely no doubt. Destined to torture me."

Shifting Shea to one arm he pulled London out with the other, a trick he had learned to master early. He made his way carefully to the couch, setting Shea down in the crib on the floor, and walking London into the kitchen to grab a bottle and warm it up. Sitting down to feed London, he manuevered his foot to gently rock Shea's carrier.

"Calm." Mark announced.

He knew this was what he was meant to be doing...He didn't know how he knew or why--none of that mattered, but he wanted the boys to have a family, their own family. In Mark's eyes, the family was already tearing bit by bit, if it meant the core of the group had to lose one piece so they'd get to have a least on part, it was a sacrifice that had to be made. He understood why Roger and Mimi did what they did; it wasn't that they didn't want their kids, no; if anything they wanted them too much. But the bottom line of the situation, Mimi had told Mark was they didn't want their kids witnessing their deaths, feeling loss that was destined to come at a early age, they didn't want the boys to be surrounded by mistakes of the past, and Mark was going to honor their wishes. They had made their decision, he was making his.

"Here we go...okay. Switch." He told the two disinterest newborns.

After a small amount of struggle Shea was being fed and soon there was nothing more to do. In his arms Shea let out a small yawn,

"Yeah, Shea, a nap sounds like a very good idea. Daddy needs a nap."

With Shea lying against his chest and London content in his carrier, Mark managed to drift off to an hour long name.

_Beeeeeep. Beeeep._

The sound of the cheap phone pierced the silence.

"Roger, take your AZT." Mark mumbled, but the beeping persisted.

Finally awake, Mark swung his free arm to grab a hold the phone.

"'Ello?"

"Mark?" Joanne's voice came trough the only side. She had helped him with the adoption paperwork.

"Joanne..."

"Don't worry. I'm alone; no one knows I'm calling. How are you?"

"Good. The boys and I are just taking a nap."

"he..." he could here a small laugh.

"What?"

"'The boys and I,' Mark? You're really taking to this parenting thing..."

"At least someone is." The moment he said it, he regretted it.

"Mark."

"I know."

"I know. Um, I'm gonna let you go, I can her Maureen coming. Bye..."

"Bye, Jo."

He sat the phone back in its place and looked at the two boys in front of him. He gently set Shea down in other carrier and retrieved his camera from a nearby table, and turned it on.

"Zoom in on Shea and London Cohen...center of the universe."

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Okay, there's chapter two…and I know there was something I need to put here, but I'll eventually remember…Oh, well. Oh and…it takes place about a year and five months after the end of RENT.

Thanks for reading.

Xxxxxx

_**Until next time, this is me...signing out**_


	3. 2 Time and Space

Chapter Two: Time and Space  
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_**Four Months After Mark Left----LOFT scence  
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Roger sat there on top of the metal table plucking at the guitar, his thoughts otherwise occupied. It had been four months...four months without Mark. As to why Roger was clueless, not because he was stupid or blind. He had come up with so many possibilties to the point none of them seemed plausible for causing Mark to leave.

The loft door opened revealing Mimi, coming home from work, who threw her stuff to the side. She looked to Roger, but noticed he thoughts weren't with him at the moment. She stood at the opposite end of the table.

"Hey."

"Hey." Roger replied lamely.

Mimi sighed, sometimes to her seemed they had drifted apart in the last four months, and yet there were others when they seemed closes. "Are you thinking..."

"I just don't understand why left."

Roger avoided the subject of their children as much as possible. "Rog, it's been four months...sometimes it seems you're more upset about Mark then..."

He was the fear in her eyes, the look he hated, because he wasn't protecting her, "No, no...don't say that." He reached out to pull her up. "Come here."

Mimi climbed up and laid against his chest. They stayed there for a few moments.

"We made the right choice..." Mimi said. "I don't regret it; it's that...if the situation...had been...different..."

"Mimi, if the situation had been different...there's a lot of things that could be different now."

"You know what I mean. Do you think we could have made good parents?"

"Meems, you would have been great mom, but..."

Mimi smiled at the role reversal, "No day but today."

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Hey, you guys...I know this extremely short, but right now the focus isn't really on Mimi and Roger...and because this is short you know you'll be getting a quicker update...those chapters taking place with Mimi and Roger will be shorter, and randomly placed, they will be marked at the beginning of the chapter.

I hope you enjoy.

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_**Until next time, this is me...signing out.**_


	4. 3 What We Walk Away From

**Chapter Three:** What We Walk Away From  
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_**More or Less, Two Years After Mark Left  
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_"Happy birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday Dear Shea...Happy Birthday to you."_

Mark took a breath.

_"Happy birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday Dear London...Happy Birthday to you."_

Mark finished his songs, for the second time today, only this time was quieter as he filmed them sleeping. He turned the camera off as he caught sight of the snow drift outside the recently-inhabited Chicago apartment. After two years working under Benny, Mark had decided it was time for a more permanent move. The small production company offered Mark the opportunity to work for causes he believed in while still paying him enough to support two growing toddlers. Maybe this wasn't exactly how he had planned things happening when he closed the loft door behind two years ago, but here he was...here they were.

Mark pushed away from the window and when back over to the where the boys were sleeping, double checking one more time before heading into the living room. He made his way to the close and pulled out the old film projector and the box of films. Digging through quite a few recent films (_Shea and London--Home, Shea and London-First Weeks, London and Shea--Firsts, London and Shea--First Birthday, etc) _he came to the bottom of the box where all the films from the loft had laid unwatched for nearly two years.

Carefully he pulled out the film of that year,_ that night._ He watched as the images flashed by.

"Daddy, whas dat?" A small voice came from behind him.

Mark turned to see London emerging from the bed; he should have known...London always problems sleeping.

"Come here."

Mark put in another movie, one taken shortly after Mimi's return to life. London climbed on to the couch and once Mark sat down, climbed into his lap.

"Whas dis?" London asked again.

"It's a movie."

"Oh. Who dey?" He pointed to Roger and Mimi dancing across the wall.

"That's Roger and Mimi."

"Roger? Dat's my midul name..."

"Yep."

The picture changed to a park, where Roger was swinging around Mimi before they turned on Mark. The picture began jostling violently. The picture calmed as it showed Mark trying desperately trying to get out of the picture.

"Daddy, you siwly."

Mark smiled at the accusations.

The picture kept flashing by, and mark began humming.

"Daddy...Shh...I watting...Who dat?" London questioned as the next picture appeared on the wall...

"Um...that's Maureen and Joanne."

"Why dey 'urting each oder?" London asks innocently.

"They're not hurting each other; they're kissing."

"Oh."

London's questions slowly ceased and by the time the movie ended Mark was left with a once-again fast asleep two year old. Mark struggled for a few moments to get off the couch and carry the boy back to the room.

"Night, buddies." Mark whispered tucking London in.

He made his way back to the living room to put away the projector and films. Mark's eyes carefully registered every reel in the box until he found one, debating whether to watch it or not, finally putting back in the box. He didn't need to the projector to watch that reel. He made his way to bed...

_It was the last day in New York, he couldn't just leave without going back there one last time. So he loaded Shea and Cohen into the double stroller and the made their way to alphabet city, his camera in tow...just in case he never made it back...That's why he told himself he went back there, to remember, for old time sake. He had even gone as far as going to the end of the block, to get a shot of the fire escape..._

_"Daddy, wad you looking ad?"_

_"Daddy use to live here."_

_"Oh. Wen?"_

_"Before you guys were born."_

_"Oh."_

_He could just wait there longer...maybe they'd look out the window. He could just walk the extra thirty feet, and break all the promises he had made to himself. He quickly turned the stroller away and walked away...for the second time. For the last time, he told himself._

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_**Until next time, this is me signing out**_


	5. 4 Boys Day Out

Chapter Four: Boys Day Out

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_**Five Years, One Month After Mark Left**_

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Mark laid in his bed sleeping, as was normal for the filmmaker on a Saturday morning. After a late night at work, sleep was all he needed. He rolled over to avoid the sunlight that was streaming into his room. Through his sleep he could hear a small giggle. Opening an eye he saw a pajama clad London sitting on the chair just watching the occupant on the bed.

"London? Go back to sleep..."

The little boy shook his head, "It Sadurday."

"Sadurday!" Another small weight came catapulting on to the bed.

Mark groaned as Shea began jumping on him. "Come on, Daddy. Let's go."

"Let Daddy get some sleep."

"No. You promised."

"Yeah. You promised." Came London's pout.

He had. Mark had been working overtime for the last couple of weeks to meet a deadline which could lead to a promotion at work, which took time away from when he could spend time with the boys. So he had promised that if they both behaved and let him do some work the day after the deadline they'd have one big day just the three of them.

"You promised." Shea pouted again, this time pulling on Mark's arm.

"Okay. Okay. I'm coming." Mark forced himself out of bed.

After a shorter than normal amount of time spent getting ready, the three left the apartment.

"Where do you want to go first?"

"Fishes!"

"Dinosaurs!"

Mark sighed; he should have known that was coming. For the most part the twins were as opposites as it was they just balanced each other out. But they only agreed on certain topics, and when it didn't really mattered if they agree...they never agreed when a decision needed to be made.

"Dinosaurs first, then fishes..."

London shook his head, "No, just fishes." giving into his brother's suggestion.

Mark smiled at the boy, that was London for you, already avoided conflict.

"You sure?"

The boy nodded.

"Shea, what do you say?"

"Yes!"

"No, to your brother."

"Thank you."

They made their way to the aquarium and began wondering around. Shea running ahead, while Mark kept up with London on his shoulders.

"Daddy, can I be whale?" Shea asked.

Mark laughed, "Why do you want be a whale?"

"Whales don't got to eat their vegetables.'Cos I want to swim...and swim..."

"Well, that sounds like fun."

"Me too. I wanna be a whale." London chimed in.

"But daddy if I was a whale, would you still be my daddy?" Shea asked grabbing a hold of Mark's hand.

"Probably not, buddy."

The boy thought a moment, "Then I don't wanna to be a whale."

"Me either."

Mark smiled, "I love you, guys."

"Love you, too, daddy."

"Me too."

The trio only lasted two hours in the aquarium before making their way to walk around the city. The boys had switched spots; London now walked hand-in-hand with his father while Shea sat on top of his shoulders.

"Daddy, I'm hungry." London announced.

"Me too." Shea agreed drumming on Mark's head.

"Sorry, no lunches today for five year olds."

Shea's drumming increased, "No, silly."

"No lunches for daddies." London jumped up and down.

"Okay, Okay. What do you guys want?"

"Hamburgers."

"Pizza."

He could hear Shea laughing, "Hey, Shea, since you picked the aquarium, how about we go get pizza?"

"Okay." The little boy sighed.

On their way to the pizza place Mark pointed out all the places, most of them they had already been to before, but the boys still got excited. They made their way to the pizza place.

"Look, Daddy, look. It the man from the movies." London pointed at the poster on the pizza parlor's window.

Mark looked, sure enough, it was Roger on the poster; it was an advertisement for a concert that night at the community center where the boys went to pre school. So, he was still alive, and doing well apparently...

"Daddy, can we go see him?" London asked.

"Yeah. Can we?"

Mark sighed, "Sure."

Later that night Mark led the boys into a row of seat in the relatively crowded theatre.

"Now when the show starts, you've got to be quiet and when I say it's time to go, it means it's time to go, understand?"

Both boys nodded from either side of him.

As the show started, as he listened to Roger sing, some songs he had heard in their earliest stages, he paid more attention to the reaction of the boys; he was too paranoid over what would happen if he looked. Shea would consistently bounce or get up and jump a little, London on the other side watched with fascination and very real smile plastered across his face.

"Did you like it?" Mark asked as they walked away from the community center, relieved they hadn't had a run in.

London just nodded, and Shea shouted his agreement.

"Daddy?" London asked as they walked into their apartment.

"Yeah, Dun?"

"Thank you."

"Uh-huh." Shea mumbled falling asleep against Mark's shoulder.

He laid Shea on the boy's bed and quickly changed the boy into his pajama's. He went over and helped London. As he left the room he told them, "Love you, Shea. Love you, London."

Both boys were too far into their dreams to reply.

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Okay, there we go guys. Chapter 4. Just a little cutesy chapter...the next few will definitely be a bit of both happy, cute, sad…etc. Since I've had a request I will give you a brief preview.

--First day of kindergarten.

--New York.

--Another ch. told from Roger's perspective.

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_**Until next time, this is me...signing out.**_


	6. 5 The Time That Passes

**Chapter Five**: The Time That Passes  
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**__**Five And A Half Years After Mark Left  
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"Boys, are you ready?" Mark said trying to emerge from his room, a newer, two year old camera in tow. He turned the camera on, "London, Shea, you don't want to late for your first day of school."

But as he turned into the hall all he found was London leaning against the wall, a little smile across his face.

"London, are you ready?"

"Uh-huh."

"Good job. Where's your brother?" London pointed at the bathroom door. "You have to take your meds..."

Mark grabbed the handle to find it locked. Why was it locked? How did Shea learn to lock a door?

"Shea. I know you're in there. Unlock the door. We need to go to school."

No response. Mark turned to boy behind him, "London, go finish your cereal, okay?"

As soon as London had left the hallway, he pounded on the door again. "Come on Shea. You need to take your meds."

"No!"

There it was. Mark sighed, the routine was relatively new, but the doctor was of the doctrine of waiting with the meds had began twins on the new routine and it had gone well...until...

"Please Shea."

"No!"

"Will you please let daddy come in and talk to you?"

No response again.

"Please, daddy just wants to talk to you."

After a few seconds he heard the click of the door and gently Mark made his way into the bathroom. Shea was sitting in the bathtub half dressed and pouting. Mark moved to sit on the toilet so he could face him, and sat the camera on its side, too concerned to remember to turn it on.

"What's going on, Shea?"

"I don't wanna..."

"Don't want to what, buddy? Go to school? Get dressed?"

"Take da medcine. Why do we have to?"

"Because the doctor said so. And the doctor is very smart woman. Come here." He waited until he could pull Shea up on his lap.

"London, come here buddy."

The other little boy came running in; Mark reached out a pulled him to where he was standing in front of Mark and Shea. Resting his hand on Shea's head, "You guys know that Daddy wouldn't make you do anything that would hurt you? And I know it's not something you like to do, but you wanna grow up to be big and strong right? And they help you?"

"Why don't you have to take 'em?"

Mark sighed, "Um...because I don't need to take them...you know how you guys have a lot of questions?" Two nods. "Sometimes, Daddy doesn't have answers to all your questions, because sometimes Daddy has a lot of questions too. And sometimes there are questions that I know the answers to, but I can't tell you quiet yet, because you're old enough. Sometimes you have to be a little older to hear some stories, okay?"

There were two hesitant nods. He sighed; he wasn't doing a very good job at this.

"You guys know when we make macaroni and cheese? You remember how we go in an order? We have to make the noodles before we can put the cheese in? Well, sometimes that how it is with the answers to your questions...you have to do some things, and wait for some times before you can get the answers. Does that make more sense?"

The nods came a little faster.

"You know I love you guys, right?"

"Love you too, daddy."

"Me too."

He turned Shea a little, "Will you take your meds now?"

The five year old nodded.

Once that matter was settle and completed, Shea dressed, breakfast eaten, Mark sighed as he noticed on his watch they didn't have much time. He pulled the camera up to his eye,

"Zoom on Shea and London Cohen, on their first day of school. Wave to the camera boys." He locked the door and filmed them as they walked down the hallway towards the stairs. "London, show me your book back..."

He proudly showed the green bag with a dinosaur on the back. "Dinosaurs..." Mark narrated, "Shea what about yours?" The yellow bag with a guitar and drums cartoonishly drawn on the bag. "Ever since the Roger Davis concert Shea wants to play music." Mark turned the camera on himself, "Oh, joy."

The group headed down the stairs.

"Are you guys excited for school?"

"Yeah!"

London got so excited he nearly tripped over his shoes, "Oh, watch out buddy, lets get the shoes tied."

Mark set the camera down and retied the shoelaces, "There we go."

They continued on their way, going as fast Mark could lead two five year olds down the few blocks to the elementary school. The rushed in the stairs and were directed to right room. Mark pulled them to the side as they reached outside the door.

"Come here. Are guys ready for this? You'll do great. Now behave yourselves, okay? I'm proud of you guys. Yeah, Daddy's proud of you. Come here." He gave them each a hug and then both of them together, "Do you think you can go in there on your own, or do you want me to go in with you."

With a quick 'love you' Shea dragged his brother in the room Mark sighed and turned the camera on the retreating back, "Zoom on Shea and London Cohen...center of the universe." Then turned the camera on himself as he got up from his squatting position, trying to hold in a threatening tear, "Wow, they grow up fast...soon it's going to be girls, and rock bands...and...oh...I think I can wait for that."

He began to walk down the hallway.

"Daddy!" London came out of the room panicking, the teacher close on his heels.

"What's the matter, buddy?"

"I don wanna go."

Mark saw the teacher head back to the room, "What made you change your mind? I thought you were excited?"

"I don want you to leave me."

"Dun, it's just like when you were at pre school and I had to go to work..."

"So, you'll still come and get us?"

"Yeah, buddy."

"You won't forget?"

"What could make me forget you?"

London gave one of his rare pure smiles and Mark continued, "And as soon as I pick you up today, we'll celebrate by getting ice cream."

"Before dinner?"

"Yeah. But you have to behave," He wasn't really worried about London behaving, "And you have to tell me all about your day, okay?"

The boy nodded, now reassured. "Okay."

Mark led the boy back to the door of the room.

"Bye Daddy."

"Bye, buddy."

He turned around once again making his way down the hall way and out of the school. Kindergarten, five and a half years old, Roger and Mimi's boys were five and a half years old, it had been that long since he had left the loft, four years since they had left New York...god, it had been over a year since had even seen or heard of Collins...Mark's mind drifted in between New York and the Chicago kindergarten classroom he had just left...all the way to the building and up to his office. The company was a relaxed atmosphere and a good place to work, but at the moment his mind was anywhere but where his work was. His eyes scanned the pictures on top of his desk: the boys at various ages, him with the boys on their first day home, as well as several other pictures of the three of them, several of the frames claiming #1 Dad or I Love My Daddy, pictures of handprints and various stick creatures. Mark reached down the bottom drawer of his desk and pulled out several other pictures. These were pictures taken with a cheap disposable camera; Roger, Mimi, Maureen, Joanne, Collins, and Angel all laughing as the couches legs went out from under them, another of just Roger and Mimi, then others, until he came to a group of his favorites. A picture of Roger working intently on a song on top of the metal table with Mark standing behind him to side standing over the projector, on the back in Mimi's handwriting '_Mark and Roger perfecting their art'. _Another picture of Collins standing there dancing with Angel both laughing at the sight of the blur of Roger tripping over his feet as Mimi was showing him this particular dance on the back Joanne had written, '_Why Roger should stick to making music'. _The last picture was just of Mark standing in the loft, looking lost from an apparent hangover a simple scribble on the back, '_Mark'._ Mark set all the pictures, except for the last one, on the desk. Putting a picture of Roger and Mimi next to a picture of the twins.

"How'd the first day of kindergarten go?"

Mark's head shot up to see a co worker standing in his door. "Oh, it went pretty good."

"Be grateful it's just kindergarten; wait until your waving good bye as they go off to college. It's hard, but you can't stop time..."

"Sometimes it would be nice."

"You won't hear any arguments from me there. Oh, Mark, though, we do have a meeting in twenty minutes..."

"Um, okay, thanks."

Soon his doorway was clear and his attention went back to the pictures...

_you can't stop time..._

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_**Until next time, this is me...signing out.**_


	7. 6 All The Goodbyes We Say

**Chapter Six: **All The Goodbyes We Say

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**__**Nine And A Half Years After Mark Left--Roger's Perspective  
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_**"I just want a few minutes before..." Roger whispered in Mimi's ear and he felt her hand squeezes his.

He walked away from where the group stood before turning his attention to where the urn sat on small stool.

"You lied, Collins. We never got be a family again before you left. So, much for the family always stick together. But you're gone, Angels gone...Mark's out of the picture." He whispered.

Roger's emotions were winning his own personal war. The years had been going so well, that even Roger sometimes temporarily dimmed the demons that haunted him. He had been doing well enough to do small scale tours, a CD...nothing big, but he didn't want big. He and Mimi had gotten married, Collins had returned, things were going well despite the missing pieces. He had been able to dim thoughts of April's suicide, withdrawal, the diagnosis, Angel's death, giving away his kids, Mark's departure...

He stood there for a few moments, before turning to rejoin the group who had made their way to the back of the church. As he walked away he saw a figure emerge from the side of the church, from the shadows, must have been watching Roger...watching...

Roger stopped and watched as the man mad his way to the front, unaware that he was now the one being watched.

"Hey, Collins...I'm sorry we didn't get much time to talk when you were...well, the other night...but now you know why. I'm sorry Collins...but I don't think I can keep my promise...I'm sorry...for everything."

The man stood there for a few moments before heading out the door at the side of the church. Roger followed.

"No, Mark." Roger's voice rose coming out the door. "You don't get to just walk away this time."

Mark turned around, "Roger."

They stood there for a few moments just looking at each other. Roger eyes scanned the many he hadn't seen for nine years. Mark looked, to Roger, more or less the same as he always had...like he had never changed since the day he left. Maybe that's how Roger wanted to see him...

"Why...the hell...did you come back?" Roger's temper getting the best of him.

"Benny found my number...called me...I came to say good bye."

"Well, I think you made that perfectly clear when you disappeared...nine years ago."

"Rog..."

"Nine years, Mark. _Nine._ Without a phone call, without anything...and now you think you can just show up."

Mark wasn't responding; he was just taking it.

"Typical." Roger nearly yelled. "Just typical Mark, sit there and take it don't fight it...do you even feel anything Mark?" He started coming closer to Mark's face forcing the filmmaker to keep taking steps backwards, "Did you feel guilty for leaving? Did you feel awful for not coming back? Did it _kill_ you to find out that Collins was dead? Are you hurt that you're not welcomed back with open arms? Can you say something Mark? Or do we need to find someone to talk for you? I know maybe we can ask your camera...maybe then we'll find your voi..."

In one swift motion Mark exploded, grabbing Roger's shirt and pushing against the side of the building, the anger in his voice out growing Rogers, "Don't you dare. Don't you dare think you know everything about me...even when we lived together, you didn't know shit. I'm sorry that I decided to have a life that didn't focus on making you the center of attention...Damnit Roger. You don't why I left." Mark faltered afraid of saying the wrong words; any word that could make this situation worse.

Roger, still in shock from the outburst of anger on Mark's parts, struggled for words, "Well whose fault is that? _Yours. You_ left...Mark when you left...it really screwed things up. With everything that was happening...Mimi was upset...Maureen wouldn't talk for a week...we didn't know what was going on...I didn't know what to do..."

Mark walked right up to Roger's face, and with conviction in each word, "Poor baby."

Mark could have punched him and it would have hurt less..._the demons that haunted him..._

Both men stood there in the church's alleyway, neither one daring to say anything more. Both knowing that they had said what they had wanted to say, but not what they needed.

"Roger..."

"Tell me then...why did you leave?"

Mark struggled to find the words, knowing now the best and worst thing he could do at this moment was to bring the boys into the picture. "There was something I needed to do...and I couldn't bring you into it...you didn't want to be brought into it... you made that clear...and I couldn't do it anymore..."

"Mark, what are you talking about?" Roger looked over confused.

"...And there was a job offer...I knew you would think I was selling out. Maybe I did...But that's not the point..." Mark was getting desperate for words, "One thing led to another, I did come back, sort of, twice. Right before I left New York, I stood on the corned and forced myself not to climb the four flights to the left. Then in Chicago..."

"Chicago?...I had a concert in Chicago," Roger started not looking at Mark anymore, "I was signing autographs and I saw you...I didn't think it was you, I saw a kid with you...I thought that if it was you, you would have came and talk to me...but it was you."

Mark nodded. "Roger..."

"Roger?" The door they had come out of opened to reveal Mimi. "Roger? What...Mark? Oh my God, Mark!"

Mark smiled as she rushed towards him nearly toppling him, he looked over at Roger, '_At least some one's forgiven me' _written on his face.

"Hey, Mimi, it's good to see you again." He said as he continued to hug her.

"How long are back for?"

"Not long. I came in three days ago, but I've got to go get back to work, so not for much longer. But I've got to pick up the kids so we can make the flight on time."

"Kids?" Maureen asked from the doorway. "Marky is a daddy?...I don't believe it."

Joanne just gave him a look.

"Yeah. I really should get going..." He went over to Roger and pulled out a scrap of paper and a pen from his pocket and wrote down his phone number, "Here. This time, I'll only be disappearing if you don't call."

Roger took the paper and watched as Mark walked away.

"Mark!" He called, "The phone works both ways."

Mark nodded and walked out of sight. Roger pulled in Mimi towards him and made his way back into the church.

"Roger..."

"Not now..."

Mimi sighed.

"Later, I promise."

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There we go you guys...So, last chapter and this chapter have been two of the hardest, and therefore probably two of my favorite chapters to write...and I would really appreciate some response. Especially, since (if you've read any of my other stuff...you already know this) I am more comfortable writing from POVs...so don't be afraid to leave a little review.

Thank you all. So much for taking the time to read this. There still much to sort out between Mark and the rest of the gang.

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**_Until next time, this is me...signing out_**


	8. 7 The People We Meet

Chapter Seven: The People We Meet  
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**__**Almost Ten Years After Mark Left  
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"Are you sure?" Mark asked the nearly ten year old for the nearly thirtieth time, not believing that he was giving into Shea's request.

"Yes."

"Absolutely positive?"

"_Yes. _Dad." The boy nodded fervently.

"Okay, bring me the scissors."

The boy complied rather quickly and sat on the kitchen stool they had pulled into the bathroom, while Mark began to cut his hair. _I can't believe I agreed to this._

London sat on side of the bath tub looking up occasionally from his book to watch.

"What do you think?" Mark asked London as he began the second half.

"Shea, you look weird."

"It because Dad's not done." Shea retorted.

"Hold still." Mark said, not wanting to screw this up; true, he had done this before, but that was a long time ago.

"There, we go...all done. What do you think?"

Shea got up and looked into the bathroom mirror before turning to Mark with a huge smile on his face.

"I take it you like it." Mark said.

Shea nodded, still grinning, "Thanks, Dad. This is so cool."

The boy grabbed his brother and Mark watched as they ran out of the bathroom. Mark followed and watched the two interact from the door of their bedroom. "Finish your homework."

"Yeah. Yeah." Shea said looking at the closet door mirror at his hair again.

"Shea, if you pay more attention to your hair then you do to your homework, I'm gonna shave it off."

"Fine." The boy went to the pair of desk in the corner.

"If you guys need help, I'm gonna be in the kitchen making dinner. Do you want spaghetti or macaroni?

"Spaghetti!"

"Macaroni!"

Mark pulled away; _good to know some things never change._

As he pulled out the macaroni and tomato sauce the phone in the corner caught his eye. There had been a few phone calls between him and New York, but he had yet to tell them about the boys. Every time he called it weighed on him, they needed to know. He needed them to know why. For them to be okay with what he had done.

He put the water on the stove to boil, and slowly picked up the phone, dialing the familiar number to the loft.

_Ring._

_Ring._

_Ring._

_**"Speak"**_

Mark laughed at the sound of Mimi and Roger's voice trying to copy what he and Roger had done so well.

"Hey, Roger, Mimi, you guys it's Mark..."

"Hey." The other end picked up and the sound of Roger's voice came through.

"Hey."

Mark froze for a few moments.

"Mark? Did you need something?"

"Sorry, zoned out...yeah, I was actually wondering if...if you and Mimi wanted to come out here and stay with us for a few days or something. I'd really...I really like it if you could come..."

He could hear mumbling on the other line, and few muffled words from Mimi, and it didn't sound to promising, "Please Roger, there's something I need to tell you, but I need to tell you face to face."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah."

Mark smiled to himself, "When do you think you can get here?"

More conversations in the background, "How about a week and a half?"

"Okay. See you then."

"Yeah...Hey, Mark?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm stilled kind of pissed, but...um, I still, uh..."

"Rog, I know. Me too."

"Okay."

"See you then." And with that Mark hung up the phone; just in time to prevent the water from boiling over.

The next week and a half went by too fast for Mark, and he had to keep preventing himself from calling to cancel. He had told the boys either just in case something happened. The morning of the day Roger and Mimi were supposed to arrived, two days before the twins' birthday, went by like normal. Shea waking up late, and London accidentally knocking his medicine container on the floor, and scattering pills.

Mark walked to school with the boys, as he had every morning, "Hey, um, now don't forget you, I need you to go to homework club, then walk home on your own, okay?"

"Yeah." Shea sighed annoyed.

"Sure, Dad." London smiled in an effort to make up for his brother's lack of interest.

As soon as they got to the school, Shea gave a quick hug before running off, while London went off with a hug and an 'I love you, Dad.'

Mark walked away slowly back to the apartment, having took the day off, nervous and finding himself praying that this weekend went by as smooth as possible. _Oh, what had he gotten himself into? _Borrowing a car from a neighbor he made his way to the airport. And after grabbing lunch when he learned the flight had been delayed, Mark stood nervously rubbing his hands together, since he had decided to leave the camera home. The flight was finally announced and people started drifting towards the people waiting. Towards the end Roger and Mimi appeared, and Mark waved them down.

"You made it." He said as Mimi wrapped her arms around him.

"Good too see again, Mark." She said and he could tell she was more tired than her normal self.

After an awkward hug between Roger and Mark the three began their way towards Mark's apartment.

"So, where are these kids of yours?" Roger asked.

"In school, Roger. You know the place where they give supposedly free daycare disguised as a system of education."

"Shut up, Cohen."

Mimi smiled at the banter between the two of them, _how it used to be, _saying her own prayer that this weekend went by smooth.

"You get a better job, and yet, you still have a walk-up apartment." Roger complained as they trudged the flights of stairs in Mark's apartment building.

"It's still a step up. I'm only on the third floor."

"Isn't that a flight down, not a step up?" Mimi teased, all three of them trying to keep the mood light.

"Well, here we are..." Mark opened the door for them.

"Shit, Mark. This is nice." Roger said nearly under his breath.

Glad of the approval Mark relaxed for a moment, "Thanks."

He looked at the clock on the wall...it's was almost time for the boys to come home.

"Look, you guys, before you get comfortable...I need to tell you what I wanted to tell you..."

"This can't wait?" Mimi panicked, not wanting to ruin the weekend already.

"No. The kids will be home soon." Mark said taking a breath and dove into his confession, "When you guys told me that you were pregnant, Mimi, I got excited, because it was gonna be apart of you guys still here even after you had left. And when you decided to give them up, I decided to leave...that's why I left..."

"Mark, there's no need to bring up that." Mimi started to stop him from anymore, but from his corner of exploration Roger could tell Mark wasn't done yet.

"No, that's not it. The job I got was a job with Benny's company. It paid enough for me to...well, I talked to Joanne... and because you had decided on a closed adoption, it was easy for me to..." Mark couldn't look anymore, "...to adopt them. Please just hear me out, I know you're pissed. You made your decision, I made mine. I wanted them to have a part of the family, they needed to know where they came from, and the least I could do was give myself. You told me that you didn't want them to see you die, that you didn't want them to live in your mistakes. So they didn't, but at Collin's memorial...I had to tell you. I couldn't let you leave with out knowing they were okay...so here we are..." Mark looked up, "They don't have to know if you don't want them too. I just needed you to know."

Roger came walking up to him, "Mark, this isn't something you can just throw us into and hope we're okay..."

"I know, but I didn't know any other way."

There were a few moments of silences, as Mimi sat dumbfounded on the couch, and Roger walked off to the corner. From inside him, Mark was kicking himself...he had done this the entirely wrong way. In the hall Mark could hear Shea and London's shouting and Mark silently cursed delayed flights and fourth grade teachers who didn't give enough homework. The door opened and London walked in first,

"Dad! Guess what? Guess what?" London came rushing up to Mark his curly brown top shaking as he excitedly jumped up and down, oblivious to the guests.

"What?"

"I got a crew spot for the play!"

"That's awesome buddy..." Mark caught sight of Roger in the corner staring at the door way. Mark looked over to see Shea standing staring back. Looking at Shea, Mark knew why Roger's face held that expression. Shea's newly chopped, bleach-blonde hair could make anyone believe they were looking at a smaller version of Roger. While London and Shea were identical, the way Mark had cut Shea's hair--the same way he had cut Roger's in the pre-withdrawal days-- made the similarities more poignant.

"Dad, are you listening?" London said dragging Mark out of his thoughts. "Shea got a part in the play."

"Dad, who are they?" Shea asked from where he still stood by the door.

"Guys, these are some very good friends of mine from New York. They're going to be staying with us for a couple of days. This is Mimi and that's Roger." Mark explained, "Why don't you guys go to your room and get changed, and the five of us will go out for dinner, okay?"

The boys ran off and Mark was left in the awkward position he had placed himself in. "Um...you guys are gonna stay in the guest room...it's the second door on the left...I'll understand if you don't want to stay, but at least come to dinner with us."

Mark sat on the couch while Mimi nearly dragged Roger out of the living room. This wasn't how he had wanted things to go...

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Okay, this was even harder to write than I had imagined, and didn't go exactly how I planned either. But there is part two, that will most likely be up tomorrow.

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_**Until next time, this is me...signing out.**_


	9. 8 How We Change

Chapter Eight: How We Change  
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**__**Continuation of Chapter 7  
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Roger waited until Mimi had shut the door before he fumed, "What the hell..."

"Roger," Mimi started, "He did what he thought was right--it's what he's always done."

"Stop defending him, Meems..."

"I'm not defending him, Roger." Mimi fought the tears, "It's just, babe..."

He just interrupted, "This was exactly what we didn't want."

"No, it's not what we wanted, but is it still what we don't want." Mimi sunk on the bed, some of the tears managing to escape. Confused, Roger came in front of her,

"Meems?"

"Maybe this is a good time for second chances."

She didn't mean Mark; well she did--but not _just_ Mark. Give the boys a chance, give them a chance. Now, she held no illusions of suddenly becoming a mother, she was Mark's face when the boys walked in the door, _no,_ she had no illusions.

"Roger, please." She saw he was giving in, and she smiled a little knowing that he wanted it too, if even just a little.

"Fine."

"Thank you." She replied, leaning in to kiss him. "I'm going to go use the restroom. Change into something decent."

Roger gave her a small smile as sign he's listen, while she walked out of the room. As she came out of the restroom her eyes fell into the room across the hall, both the boys were getting changed, oblivious to the door being wide open.

London gave her a smile as she appeared in the doorway and came behind Shea who was struggling with his hair.

"You want some help with that?" Mimi asked picking up the comb that lay forgotten.

Shea allowed her to help him, even if he pretended he was doing it reluctantly. "There we go."

She smiled at him as she looked into his face, and in an unguarded moment he returned it.

"You guys ready?" Mark said unknowingly interrupting the moment.

Mimi got up and followed the boys out to where Mark and Roger were silently standing.

After a surprisingly uneventful dinner Mark sent the boys to bed with the promise of an eventful next day, and the adults followed shortly after, not knowing what exactly they should say, particularly Mark.

Roger just lay in bed listening to Mimi's soft breathing, and listening to the sounds around. He suddenly heard a door open and close, and some noises that sounded distantly familiar. Pulling himself out of bed Roger peered out the door of the guestroom to see some shadows in the living room then a light, and as the lights began to flash Roger followed the whirring noise into the living room. London sat on the couch face on his knees watching the old projector still able to do its job. Without a word London scooted over to allow a space for Roger, and Roger complied as he realized that the movie was from the night he met Mimi.

"Ma...Your dad let you watch these?"

The boy just nodded. The two sat in silence for a while, until Roger saw another picture of himself on the wall.

"That's you isn't it? You're in a lot of Dad's movies." It's the first time Roger has heard London speak since he came running in earlier in the afternoon.

"Yeah, your Dad I were pretty good friends, we lived together too."

"If you were friends, why aren't you in any of the movies after Shea and me were born? Why haven't we seen you before?...We've heard about you though...Dad talks about you sometimes. But why did it take you so long to show up?"

Roger looked over at the boy, "Sometimes it happens. People take different paths."

"But they come back right? You did."

"Yeah, they always come back."

The film on the wall started to end and London began digging through the films, not touching the second box next the one he was looking through.

"What about those?" Roger asked about the closed box.

"Those are the only ones Dad won't let me watch..."

"Oh. I'm sure he has his reason. Why don't we...why don't we watch one from after you were born? Pick your favorite one."

A smile that Roger didn't know was a rare on appeared on the boy's face as he complied as he put the film on.

Roger noticed that when London came back he sat closer to the musician.

"Wh-Which one is this?"

"Shh...just watch."

Roger laughed at being told what to do.

The film began with Mark holding up a piece of paper with his scribble on it _Shea and London's first birthday...they're sleeping. _The picture inched to a room in the back of an apartment different form the one they were viewing it in. Roger watched as the pictures went on, Mark putting the camera on a tri-pod to show him helping both the boys taking a few steps...the boys vs. a cake--the boys won, a boy with a shirt labeled _Shea_ smiled and bounced to something he apparently heard in front of London who was just sitting more interested in the box in front of him...

"Why are you crying?" London had caught Roger.

"Oh...it's nothing."

"Uh-huh." London said but didn't push it any further.

Roger pulled himself back together, "Um...do watch these movies a lot?"

London shrugged, "I have trouble sleeping. The movies help me sleep. Dad used to watch them with me, but he needs to sleep. So, I just watch them on my own."

"Why can't you sleep?"

"I dunno, I just can't..."

"One second..." Roger got up and quietly retrieved his guitar from the back room, "Here..."

Roger sat on the couch, London watching intently as Roger played a quiet song so not to wake up the others.

"_Sometimes we fall, and don't know why...Come to me...I'll help you pick up the pieces..."_

Roger went on until he saw that London was sleeping, _just like Mimi when she fights sleep. _Setting aside the guitar he picked up the boy and carried him to the door that Roger assumed was the twins' room, but with his hands full he couldn't open it.

"Here." Mark appeared in the hallway to open the door, "I heard the guitar; I haven't heard that in a while." He explained before Roger laid London down on the empty bed.

"Roger," Mark whispered to the retreating back, "Thanks." Before going back to his own room.

Roger simply retrieved his guitar before going back to Mimi.

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_**Until next time, this is me...signing out.**_


	10. 9 The Way The Light Shines

Chapter Nine: The Way The Light Shines

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_Exactly Ten Years and Two Weeks After Mark Left_

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Roger woke up and after realizing that the boys weren't up yet and Mimi and Mark were huddled over something in the kitchen; Roger made his way to the small balconly.

There was no point in denying it Roger was trying to avoid Mark, had been all weekend, and would have been regardless of the discoveries made. It was just that Mark had always been the constant person, his friend since they met. Mark had been there for everything. Then when Mark left, Roger had stepped up to the plate, had become that person for Mimi, had moved on. To help himself, he started finding faults in the person he had known just so the friendship wouldn't have seemed like much of a loss. But here they were again. A noise came from behind him,

"Hey," the sound of Mark's voice interuptted the flow of the outside noises.

Roger didn't reply, just kept staring out infront of him so Mark continued,

"Shea's the oldest of the two, craweld first. London walked first. I had sit them on the living room floor back in New York and it was raining outside, and I was sitting with Shea trying to get him to walk when the sound of thunder scared London into toddling over to where I was. When they were two we went to this new restaraunt and Shea got some food posioning and was in the hospital for three days. When they were four my parents came out here and took them on a road trip to Colorado and back to see my brother graduate. My father still goes on about the boys on the trip, he loves being the grandpa. Shea spent the second half of kindergarten on cruches when he tried to fly off the playground equipment during recess. And last year London broke his arm trying to break up a fight between Shea and some older kids. Both of them do really well in school, their teacher keeps a group of the kids to work on some harder stuff twice a week after school so they don't get bored. Shea saved up two years of allowance and birthday money and with some help from London and my father got a guitar when he was eight. London started taking piano lessons from the lady downstairs...about the same I started dating this woman, Mae, she was a professor at the college, engineering...we went out for three months then I broke it off, because I couldn't do that to the boys, it didn't seem like it would have gone anywhere, so I stopped it before I hurt the boys by introducing someone who would...

"Leave them, Mark? Like Mimi and I will?"

"No, someone who wouldn't have cared when she did leave."

"Why are you telling me this?" Roger spun around trying to put any anger into it, but failing.

"Because it's everything I should have told you in the last ten year, well some of it." Mark tried.

"Mark." Roger said, shaking his head.

Mimi watched from her seat in the living room as Mark and Roger embraced, _boys, _she thought smiling into her cup of coffee.

"Mimi?"

She turned around to see Shea standing very tired, "Where's my dad?"

"On the balconly." She answered, amused at the honesty in that answer. "Happy Birthday."

Shea smiled broadly at her, but it quickly disappeared when Roger walked backed in followed shortly by Mark.

"Happy Birthday." Roger said ruffling Shea's hair.

"Don't. Touch. Me." Shea let out gruffly.

"Shea, behave." Earning Mark a glare. "Why don't you wake up your brother?"

The ten year old stood there, "Dun, wake up."

"I could have done that. Go in there, goofball."

Mark absentmindley did the same thing Roger did, it had been something Mark had done all the time, yet Shea just laughed and walked back to his room. Roger stared after the boy, the action having not gone unnoticed.

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Hey I know it's short, but I wanted to get this out of the way...before we make another jump...I finally have the rest of the chapters in the editing fase but as the response goes ...chapter could undergo some make overs...

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_**Until next time, this is me...signing out.**_


	11. 10 What We Need To Say

Chapter Ten: What We Need To Say  
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**__**Thirteen Years After Mark Left  
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"So remind me why your girlfriend couldn't make it?" Roger asked as the filmmaker joined him on the fire escape of the New York loft.

"She didn't feel up to traveling, and it probably wouldn't be too safe, either, you should know that." Mark smiled as he watched as four year old Alyna Jefferson bossed around the twins inside the living room.

"Um-hmm. And you just left her there?...Mark, that isn't like..." then it hit him, "You're leaving early though aren't you?"

"Yeah, but her brother is with her til then...I'm sorry..."

"Naw, I remember how you were when Mimi was pregnant. I remember how I was...Are you gonna pop the question?"

Mark remained silent for a while trying to find other things to distract him.

"No...not yet. I just can't right now..."

"Mark. She's not going anywhere..."

But Mark just shook his head, he had been having this arguement for a while with himself. No need to have it with Roger, too.

"Look, Mark. Fine, whatever. But...um...there something else...Mimi, well, you know it's not looking too good. But she wants to tell them. She wants to tell them before...before you guys head back to Chicago."

Mark just sat there a few moments. Somewhere in the back of his head he had hoped that it would never come, but here it was. He looked out across the place he had used to live casually taking in all the changes in the last thirteen years before responding.

"Okay."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, they're your kids."

Roger let out a laugh, "We both know that's not true."

Roger's laugh died out and the two of them sat there in their own silence until Joanne and Maureen dropped off dinner and picked up their daughter.

The two of them headed in and Mark began dispersing the dinner around, and Mimi joined them for a while. She had been growing weaker slowly overtime. She never planned on living a lifetime but looking at the boys, she wished she could.

"Shea, hun, there's a photo album sitting on the floor next the bed, could you get it for me please?"

Roger and Mark wathced her carefully, "Meems...?"

She just smiled and nodded.

As the thirteen year old came back into the living room with the duct tape bound bound in his hands, London moved to where Mimi was sitting.

"What's this?" Shea asked quietly as she opened the book.

"There's something your Dad, Roger and I need to tell you..."

_Mimi sat there for a few moments on the toilet, bouncing her knees, and attempting to read the ceiling so that she didn't look at the results in her head before it was time. She had always wanted to be a mother...someday...it had always been someday, but her someday wasn't suppossed to come anymore. She had let go of that dream. She looked at her watch. Time._

_She looked down._

_...How was she going to tell Roger...'hey, Rog, baby, do you believe in God? Because, guess what hun? We had some hole-y condoms.' Or how about 'Roger! How was the gig? Oh, by the way just in case you were ever wondering...your sperm have good aim, because I'm pregnant.'_

_"Mimi?"_

_Speak of the devil._

_"Baby?" Mimi's eyes widened before he continued, "You in there?"_

_She took a deep breath, "Yeah, we're in here."_

_The door slowly opened and Roger's head popped in, "We're? Having a little party in here?"_

_"Mimi. And Baby. Both here."_

_"What?" Roger slid down sitting on the edge of the bath tub, "Wow."_

_"Wow?"_

_"I mean...It's just that...well, I've never thought about it before...Us? Parents?"_

_"Roger..."_

_"I know."_

_A few months later Roger sat on the couch staring at the grainy photo in hands, twins. Twins. Two. A hand comes around his neck,_

_"What are you thinking about?"_

_He looks up at her and pulls her and her baby bump around to sit next to him, "Were you serious about what you said the other day?"_

_"An adoption? Yeah, Rog, I was...I want what's best for these guys. And I just don't think it us."_

_Roger wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. "I th-I think you're- you're probably right."_

_When it was finally time, Roger watched as his boys, the boys, were taken to the other side of the room to be cleaned up. Roger tried not to look, but he heard a small wail and walked over._

_"Can I just see them once?" _

_"Are you sure?"_

_Roger nodded and went over to them. They were so tiny, small..."Hey, you guys...I-I'm sorry okay? But where ever you go, you'll be better off. And if you try to find us, but you don't...just know...it's okay. And...well," It was hard for the rockstar to say words not put to music or any words that said more than he wanted to give away, "...we love you."_

"...I know you guys probably won't understand why we did it, but it doesn't mean we didn't love you okay?" Mimi finished.

Shea looked at her aborsorbing what he had just heard before walking out the door. London's response came as a surprise, looking at the three of them he smiled before following with an, "I'm gonna go find him."

He didn't have to go far to find Shea sitting on the steps staring at the wall.

"You know something funny?" London tried, "When I wathced dad's movies, I always thought you looked a lot like Roger."

Shea's head shot up, "No, Dunn. I look a lot like you."

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Okay I know there might be a few of you not to pleased that Mark has a girlfriend. But to me it makes sense, the boy doesn't want to be alone, it makes sense for him to find someone. But I don't plan on her having a huge role in the story. My main focus here is on the twins and the Mark and Roger friendship and how it channeled through Shea and London.

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_**Unitl next time, this is me...signing out.**_


	12. 11 What We Need To Hear

Chapter Eleven: What We Need To Hear  
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**_**_Sixteen Years After Mark Left  
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The newly sixteen year old made his way through the people grinding, and drinking to find what he was looking for.

"Cohen. I had a feeling I'd see you here."

Shea simply handed over his cash, and made his way out into the Chicago winter with his newly acquired package. He took a moment to empty the baggie before heading towards home. He had been using for over a year, _his head-start,_ he'd been caught once, but he had managed to bullshit his way out of it, and his dad had been desperate enough to believe him. He had been grounded though, for bringing it within distance of Micah. His dad had been right though, he should have never have brought it home, not where the almost three year old could get a hold of it. So he always finished it off before he got home. Besides, what they didn't know wouldn't hurt them.

He began climbing up the stairs of the apartment building and stumbled into the apartment nearly tripping over several of the toys scattered along the living room floor.

"Where were you?" The voice of his brother came as he came into the room they shared. "You smell like...you weren't? Shea? _Shea_?"

Shea was vaguely aware that something felt different, but didn't pay much mind as he passed out.

The next thing he was aware of was their voices, he could hear them, and he could hear enough to know where he was. But with the pain he was suddenly aware of he didn't want them to know he was awake. After awhile the voices died down and when he was sure they were asleep, he opened his eyes, slowly sitting up in bed, fighting the pain. He tried getting up, but the pain...maybe he should make his escape later...no he had to get out...

"If I were you I'd keep your ass in that bed."

_What the hell was he doing here?_ But, none the less he stopped.

"What is it you want to hear, Shea? Sympathy? Why in the hell would be so stupid?"

Shea looked at him eyes blazing, "I don't care tricks your sperm did, you're not my dad I don't have to explain myself, ."

"No, no, Shea, I'm not. I know that too. But you know the really sad part, is that you don't deserve the one you do have."

He said it simply, and he knew he caught the boy off guard. "Look, Shea, you've made it perfectly clear that you hate me, and I really don't blame you. But your dad has work his ass of for you and this is what you do."

"He doesn't care! He hasn't since Mimi told us! If he cared he would have stopped me."

"No. If you cared about him you wouldn't have started."

"I care. I care. It-it-it doesn't matter, I'm going to..."

"Die? Yeah, it happens to all of us. Yeah, you might go a little sooner, and you'll go even quicker if you keep this shit up."

Roger knew Shea blamed him for a lot of things, but he was going to have to get over it. As the teenager laid back down on the bed Roger knew he had won for now but he knew he hadn't gotten trough to him.

Shea went home a week later, home because Mark knew that rehab wouldn't work unless Shea wanted it to work. So he just had hope that he would soon. The second night home Shea couldn't sleep, he needed a fix, and at the same time he didn't want one. He didn't know which one was worse. His eyes went towards the door as London came into the room, _those stupid movies. _He waited till he knew London was asleep and then got up, moving towards the living room. Shea saw that the box he and London had never been allowed to watch laid open. The film flickering on the wall was of a red head in a bath tub her wrist slashed open, Roger sweating and screaming, and it continued on the wall. Shea just stood in the open hall way and watched. In the light of the movie he could see tears streaming silently down his father's face.

Just as Shea began to turn away as the movie ended and his dad put in another one. He suddenly heard his dad's voice break through the silence.

"I'm sorry."

He turned around to see his dad wasn't talking to him but to the wall. Images of two baby boys sat smiling, the camera focused on one bouncing up and down laughing on the onsie he could see 'Shea' stiched on it.

"I'm sorry. I tried." His dad's voice was cracked by the sobbing and Shea could take it any more and went back to his bed. Staring at the ceiling he couldn't take it any more.

He waited until he saw the lights dim and Mark had passed their room stopping by both the twins' room and Micah's room. Shea swung himself out of the bed and grabbed a sweater from the closet, not caring it was London's. He grabbed a bag and stuffed it with some clothes before searching for some money to get out. He opened the chest of drawers next to his bed and found his wad of cash that he used to get his hits, but it wouldn't cover him to get out of this mess. He began to looke through some of the selves on London's side for some cash,

"Shea? What are you doing?"

"I-I-I just need some cash."

"For what? No, Shea, I'm not going to help you do this to yourself."

"No. Not for a hit...I-I-I need to get out...I'm gonna get help, Dunn."

"Yeah, right. Shea, do you really think I'm gonna believe that?"

"I'm not lying. I can't do this to Dad, anymore."

"And you're just starting to care?"

Shea knew his brother had a point. "You're right, but I'm going either way. You're cash just decides if I'm walking or not."

"You swear? And if don't get clean..."

"You have every right to never speak, see or associate with me."

"I was going to say kill you, but that works too...Fine...but I'm taking you, I'm buying the ticket and I'm watching you leave."

Shea hung his head nodding slightly. "Okay."

As London got dressed Sheah made his way into what used to be the guest room. A small blonde three year old was asleep on the 'big boy bed'...

"Bye Little man."

"You ready?" London's voice came from behind him

Shea nodded and the two of them made their way out of the apartment building and towards the bus station. Shea watched as his brother paid for the ticket and then went to where Shea would board.

"Are you sure about this?" London asked "There's places closer to home where you can get..."

"No." Shea said. "No."

"Fine."

London just nodded understanding, he didn't know how but he always understood.

xxxxxxxx

_**Until next time, this is me...signing out.**_


	13. 12 How We Are Saved

Chapter Twelve: How We Are Saved  
_**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  
Sixteen years after Mark left-  
A few hours after ch.11--The Loft**_

_**

* * *

**_Roger sat in the empty loft, alone with his guitar...plucking the notes slowly, halfheartedly trying to find another song. It was his day off of work, and like every other day off of work, he hated it. Occasionly, Maureen and Joanne stopped by with Alyna or even Benny would come by, something he had been doing more and more since Mimi had died. 

_Beeep. Beeep._

Roger put aside the guitar, making his way to the kitchen to take his pills. He looked at the bottles and shook his head,

"Just a few more years."

That's all he had asked for the last six years. Just a little bit longer to see them graduate, make sure they were happy. It wasn't that Mark didn't...or the Mark wasn't...it was more for Roger than anyone else.

He looked around the loft again. _So this is life?_

Dragging himself to the couch, he progressed twenty minutes into a nap before he was interuppted by banging at the door. He tried ignoring it, but the banging persised.

"What..." He bagan, pulling back the door.

Shea stood there, more or less still in his pajamas with a book bag at his side. The boy refused to meet Roger's eyes, but Roger knew what he wanted. Stepping aside he let the boy in, "When's the last time you got any sleep?"

"At the hospital." Came the mumbled reply.

"Here. Go try and get some sleep." Shea turned down the hall way before Roger could finish, "..and then we'll talk."

Of all the places, he came here.

Roger followed slowly in the boy's wake towards what had been Collins' room, where the Cohens visited on their days away from Chicago. He stood in the door way and watched the boy curl up on the mattress, shaking slightly. Instinctively Roger walked in a put his hand on Shea's shoulder,

"Don't touch me."

_"I said, don't touch me. Leave me the hell alone!" The rockstar screamed, scaring the filmmaker against the wall._

_"Rog, we're just trying to help." Collins said blocking the door._

_"Just let me go..." Roger collapsed back on the bed turning away from his roommates, and curled up, crying._

Shea still couldn't get any sleep, he ended up sitting there on the bed replaying everything in his head. Roger sat behind him,

"Why'd you come here?"

No answer. Instead Shea got up and as Roger tried to stop him, pushed the man away.

_"Roger, let me go. I'm just trying to help you." Benny yelled back at the man who had him pinned against the wall._

_"I don't want your help. I don't need your help."_

_"It's all about you, isn't it, Rog? What about us? We don't want you to die sooner than you have to. And for some unexplained reason we need you..."_

_"Fu..."_

_Benny stared him striaght in the eyes, interuppting, "Maybe it should have been you I found, instead of April."_

_Roger's fist slammed into Benny's face, before the rockstar went storming back into his room. Benny just slid down the wall, trying to recover..._

A couple nights later Shea slide out of bed, deciding this was the best bet...he rummaged through his bag to get what ever cash he had left over, hoping it would be enough. But as he made his way out of the room he ran into Roger,

"I know you want it really bad. But you better fight the feeling; I'm not letting you out."

"I just need one more..."

_"One more, Rog, please..." Mimi begged as he took the baggie out of her hands._

_"Come, Meems, you don't need it. Come on, baby, you're doing good."_

_"Please, Rog. I need it. I need it."_

_"What you need more? This or me?"_

_She just kept repeating, "I need it." As he tossed the baggie back at her._

Roger sat against the closed door all night to make sure Shea didn't leave. He had given up once, he wasn't going to do it again. When morning came, Roger got up and went to the kitchen turning on the coffee pot and pulling out some cereal. The door creeked opened and Shea appeared, then disappeared into the bathroom. Roger leaned against the counter as he hear the sounds of Shea anger coming from behind the closed door. Roger listened to make sure the noise didn't stop, just in case he had missed something when he had taken all the razors and anything sharp or other wise deadly out of the bathroom on the night Shea had arrived on his door step. The noise stopped abrubtly and Shea once again appeared and disappeared back into the room. Roger grabbed the two bowls of cereal and made his way to the back bedroom. The sixteen year old sat on the bed, with his knees to his chest.

"Breakfast." Roger announced sitting on the corner on bed and setting one bowl in the middle of the bed.

Roger started eating his cereal slowly, with no intention of leaving the room.

"I couldn't get any sleep." Shea voice began slowly, steadily.

_**"I came home late from that gig." Roger began sitting on the metal table while the filmmaker just watched him.**_

"London and Dad always watched those movies, those stupid movies, and I was waiting for them to finish."

_**"We had gone on later than normal, and I stayed a little later...backstage."**_

"But I got up anyhow, after Dunn had gone back to bed. He was just crying, Dad was just sitting there crying."

_**"I remember coming in to see Benny sitting outside the bathroom door, and he was just sitting there crying. And I remember him looking up and just saying 'I'm sorry' over and over again."**_

"And then he said, 'I'm sorry.'. He said 'I'm sorry' like it was his fault. But it's not his fault."

_**"She was lying there...in all that blood."**_

"How could he think it was his fault? He didn't go out and buy the needle."

_**"It's all my fault. If I hadn't insisted she come back stage..."**_

"I've messed up his life. And Dunn's life...everyone's life. I had to make it up to them. I didn't know where else..."

_**"She didn't deserve any of that. Not the drugs, not death. But I do, Mark, I do."**_

"When you and Mimi first came to Chicago, when I first saw you...there was just something. I was always aware we didn't look like Dad, and all our friends looked like thier dads. But we didn't. Then suddenly you show up, I might have only been ten, but I wasn't stupid. But I thought Dad would have told us something like that, and I didn't want any other dad. So, being ten, I got mad. I didn't want to blame Dad--so I didn't. And I never could make myself be mad at Mimi, so, I blamed you. But, really when I think about it..."

_**"I should have protected her. But I was too busy getting high and becoming famous. She just followed. You know something though? She followed. You followed, but you didn't do the drugs, and you're not dead, and you're not dying. It's my fault. I ruined her life. I'm ruining yours. Don't say I'm not. Let's face you all would be better off without me. I deserve to die, but I can't. All you guys are trying to do is help me. huh?"'**_

"I don't hate you."

_**"I'm sorry."**_

_**

* * *

**_

_**Until next time, this is me...signing out.**_


	14. 13 All That We Are

Chapter Thirteen: All That We Are  
_**Sixteen years and Ten Months After Mark Left**_

* * *

Mark sat alone in the living room of the Chicago apartment pulling out the wrapped present from the closet and setting them in the corner around the tiny wannabe tree. It had been tradition for the family to go and get a Christmas tree the day before. London and Shea were the ones who always made the decision, and in Shea's absensce London chose one that Shea would've approved of, it being so scrawny and bare. Mark laughed to himself. 

"Daddy? Wat oh doing?" A toddler appeared in the hallway.

_**"Daddy, whas dat?" A small voice came from behind him.**_

_**Mark turned to see London emerging from the bedroom...**_

"Micah, Daddy's getting ready for Christmas. Do you want to help?"

The little boy nodded and ran over to where he was standing and took one box at a time from Mark to the tree.

"I'm helping Daddy."

"Yes you are."

_**Shea's excitement of helping his Dad make dinner nearly kept him from being any help at all.**_

_**"Am I good helper, Daddy?" The four year old poked the filmaker, who nodded and laughed in response.**_

Mark carried a group of presents over and Micah's eyes grew wide.

"Can I carry 'ore 'an one?"

"When you grow bigger, you can carry as many as you want."

"Will oh teac' me?"

"Of course, buddy."

_**London tugged Mark's shirt, "Can I carry your camera?"**_

_**"Why don't you carry your camera?" He pointed to the six year old's disposable camera.**_

_**"But I wanna take pictures like yours."**_

_**"One day, when your older, okay?"**_

_**The boy nodded, "Daddy, when I'm older can I be like you?"**_

"Daddy?" Micah asked climbing on the couch.

"Yeah, bud?" Mark joined the toddler.

"Is Shea coming back yed?"

Mark sighed as he looked at the little boy's hopeful face, "Not yet."

"Why can'd he come back yed?"

"Your brothers not feeling good."

"He's sick?" Micah frowned as he sat thinking.

"Yeah, sort of."

"He been sick a long time."

"Yeah, he was."

_**Mark held on tightly to the two year old London as he sat in the hospital room watching Shea sleep attached to all the tubes. The tears slowly rolled down his face. His mind was racing...just let him be okay, I can lose him...and the same thoughts roared through his head fourteen years later.**_

_**"How could he?" London asked standing next to his dad.**_

_**"I don't know, London. I don't know."**_

A small wail erupted through the apartment and as if he had been expecting it Londonw emerged from his room, disappeared into the master room. Mark could hear some murmuring before London reappered with his one month old little sister in his arms. As he entered the living room, hushing the little girl, he saw Mark and Micah sitting on the couch.

"I couldn't get any sleep." London explained sitting on the other side of Mark. "This way mom can get some sleep."

_**"What did you say?"**_

_**"I called her 'mom', is that okay?"  
**_

_**"Yeah, I'm just surprised."**_

_**London looked back at him, "Well, she's my mom just like Micah's my brother...not blood related, but when has that ever stopped us? Yeah, I consider Mimi and Roger my parents too but..."**_

_**"I know...Dunn, you don't have to explain."**_

_**The teenager just responded with a smile before heading out the door.**_

London's plan failed however as Olivia appeared in the hallway, "How am I suppossed to be getting any sleep, with a party going on in here." She laughed as Mark pulled her on to his lap. "But thank you for taking Abbie anyhow."

"No problem. I like being the big brother."

Mark smiled, "We all should get some sleep. Really, guys."

"Fine."

_**"I don't want to go to sleep." The five year olds bounce up and down.**_

_**"If you go to sleep I promis there will be a big surprise."**_

_**"Promise?"**_

_**"I promise."**_

_**"Big surprise?"**_

_**"Big surprise."**_

The next morning Mark made his way into the living room before any one else had a chance to get up again, even baby Abbie. He went into the kitchen and began the coffe maker when he heard the sound of the door.

"Coming," Mark murmurmed for no particular reason, wondering who it could be on Christmas Day.

He took a second to look through peephole but couldn't make out who it was. Opening the door Mark took a moment,

"Shea?"

"Hey, Dad." Came the response and Mark could see his apprehension at being back.

Without thought, and without question Mark pulled Shea close, "I've missed you, bud." He whispered.

"I'm sorry, Dad..I...I..." Shea started, and Mark pulled away and shut the door behind him,

"What?"

"I'm sorry...and I wish you would just stand there and yell at me about how stupid I was..."

"Shea..."

But he interuppted, "Because, Dad, I could take that...I could take your anger any day over knowing how much I've disappointed you. I am sorry though."

"I know you are. I know."

"Dad?"

"yeah?"

"I know it been a while since I've said it, but, um..."

"What?"

"I just wanted to say thanks...for, you know..."

"Yeah, I know."

"And I love you."

"I love you too, bud."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

_**Until next time, this is me signing out.**_


End file.
